How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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