i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
