Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
