I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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