i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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