so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
