sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
