im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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