Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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