I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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