I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He shit in the fireplace
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