Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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