HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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