you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
