Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
