Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
