I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm at about main and main street
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
