who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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