He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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