Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
