I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I love you. Go after that dick
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
