My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
