So drunk its hurt
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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