he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
