An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
