I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
