I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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