this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
