nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize