So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
We left an ass print on the piano.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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