i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
