oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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