if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
