Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
