You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
