My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
