Got a toothbrush?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
