He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm way too hungover for life right now
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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