There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
