last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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