I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
