Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
