I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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