saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
