Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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