I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
