Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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