I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
