I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize