PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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