yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
