Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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