I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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