I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
