you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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