Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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