I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
