Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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