he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize