oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
