It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
